As the former wife of a Southern Baptist Music Minister, a devoted stay-at-home mom of two boys, women�s ministry leader, and church soloist, my life seemed picture perfect from the outside. But, a much different picture was painted underneath. For years I had known that I was a lesbian, but to actually acknowledge that fact to anyone, including myself, was not an option. I certainly could never go to God with such a revelation!! I maintained a life of secrecy and shame.

Now, at 37, my two worlds, my two identities, if you will, have collided, and I have been forced to take an honest look at my life, my sexuality, and my relationship with God. It has been the most explosive time in my life. I am now divorced and have had to start life over again. I lost my church, my community, my friends, my house, and my sons half of the time. I felt at times that I had even lost my faith.

God has been the central part of my life for many years. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 10 and went to church all through high school. Based on denominational beliefs, I was convinced early on that being gay and being Christian was just not possible. I was taught that no person that had truly committed their life to Christ could still be gay, and if they were, then they were never �saved� in the first place. I was also taught that gays go to hell and that there was absolutely no way that God would ever love a �homosexual sinner�. This was the reason I felt that I HAD to change! There was, in my mind, no other choice for me. I had to leave my gay self/identity behind and pursue wholeness and purity within the boundaries of a heterosexual marriage. Even after the first divorce from my husband, I knew I had to keep pressing on toward the goal of being heterosexual. At one point, I had even considered celibacy.

The journey has been long and hard but has also been a time of healing, and a time to finally be honest about who I really am. The struggle of being a married Christian woman and knowing inside that I was gay caused an inner turmoil that was unspeakably intense and scary. I saw a total of nine different counselors, one psychiatrist, and spent thousands of my own dollars on psycho-therapy sessions. I was placed on anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants three different times within a span of about five years and due to religious indoctrination and pressures from family and friends, I had decided to poise myself to be the next poster child for the ex-gay movement. I participated in numerous Bible studies trying to get �healed�, or become the perfect Christian wife. I attended ex-gay ministry meetings at First Baptist Atlanta and searched all over the internet for hope and for answers. I was prayed over and anointed with oil. I fasted, prayed, longed to be free, and wanted God to change me.

During my ex-gay crusade, I was convinced by some counselors and close friends that I needed to confront the sexual abuse I had experienced as a child. I did feel a personal need to go back to the person who inflicted the abuse. I was under the assumption that if I did this, I would be completely healed of all same-sex attractions. It was a beautiful time of grace and healing, but I was still gay. Many people share in the belief that all lesbians have been sexually abused. Although many lesbians have been abused in this way, it certainly didn�t make us gay. Was the abuse a catalyst for me to go through an ex-gay program, and to seek healing? I think so, but the sexual abuse simply added complication to an already difficult situation.

I have made many mistakes and I have hurt many people, most especially my ex-husband. He did know all throughout our marriage about my sexuality issues. In his defense, I think he also thought that I could, and would change. We were both misled and deceived. I know in my heart I did try to change. Maybe the marriage, the remarriage, counseling, anointing, prayer, Bible studies, casting out of demons, and confession was all for me, but not for reasons one might think. Maybe it was to show me that being gay is not about being demon possessed, it�s not about being mentally ill, or about sickness, but it�s just who I am.

One of the saddest parts of this whole journey has been to see how some individuals, who profess to be Christian, treat the GLBT community. Their words can be the most hurtful of all. When I finally sat down with my ex-husband and told him that I needed to leave, there was a lot relief, but there was also shame, guilt, and feelings of failure. My world, as I had knew it, was over. I was at the end of my rope and I was either going to hang myself with that rope, or let it go. I decided to let go of it and fell back into the arms of a merciful and loving God.

We serve a God of second chances and of incredible grace. He has truly held me during the darkest moments of my journey, and I am eternally grateful for His compassion and love. I am proud to say that I made it through the ex-gay journey, and I am finally free, I am a survivor. I am in a committed, loving, life-long partnership with the woman of my dreams, Kimberly. We serve together in a wonderful church, where we worship and praise God together. In addition, my parents are finally coming to a place of acceptance of who their daughter really is, not who others think she should be. The beauty in this whole picture is that I can now bring the Lord God all of me, instead of bringing just a portion to Him. I am blessed, alive, free, and whole! May God bless all of us who are now considered �a different kind of survivor.� Amen!

This testimony is Copyright 2007 BeyondExGay.Com. Used with permission.